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Ditka, Celestial
Written By: Elysa Strathelar
Fiction
One time Ditka visited Valhalla to see if it was all it was cracked up to be, but it was just full of snobs who wanted Ditka to pay membership fees and park in the guest parking lot. So Ditka didn’t help any of those pretentious Asgard elitists with their grilling techniques, which were lacking, and he parked in the members lot anyway with his super sweet 1969 Chevrolet Malibu Chevelle. He parked over some dude called “Magus,” which is a name for little girly Vikings who can’t drink their weight in neither grog nor human blood.
Anyways, one day Ditka found a planet to hang around at, which was fine at first but all there was were little strands of DNA and enzymes which really only cared about proteins and amino acids. And there wasn’t any football anyways, so Ditka left that lame planet, now called Planet Lame, which is ironically named for it’s sissy French discoverer Jacque du Lame. But that’s another story that has no bear-ing on the tale at hand. And no one wants to here about France anyways, but that’sobvious.
So Ditka went cruising around trying to build a stable grilling unit out of asteroid that ran on the atomic energy of the sun. Unfortunately for the progress of grilling in this universe and this plane of existence, even the wonton chaos of the sun’s pure essence couldn’t hold a candle to the power of charcoal. Ironically coal can’t hold a candle either but it sure cooks a men steak.
Anyways a couple more billion years passed with no real events. There was some radical explosions and stuff, but it wasn’t football.