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The Guide to be the best Shitcurity.
Written By: Tom Berge
Reference
1. Always arrest the corpse of a fallen foe, so that he may be pacified in death.2. Never wash the stains of your enemies from your ancestral stun-club. They show the crew your trustworthiness and dedication.3. When in doubt, whoever you may be dealing with is a traitor. Execute him.4. If your weapon has a kill setting, use it. Only in death is a criminal truly stopped.5. If it is cuffed, it is meant to be so.6. Context means nothing. An assistant breaking into EVA is treasonous scum, even if he is doing so to kill the malfunctioning AI.7. Only through the harm intent is justice served.8. Whenever you are detaining a prisoner in the brig, lock them in one of the lockers, weld it shut, then place the locker in one of the station's hallways as an example.9. In the event of a revolution, arrest the Heads of Staff, they must have caused this!10. The security cameras are not to be used, except to watch ERPers.11. If a revolver is found, kill the detective.12. Anyone complaining about security must be robusted and put into the perma brig cells, clearly they are a revolutionary.13. Chemical implants must be filled with Poly Acid and activated once they leave the brig!14. Forensic evidence is unnecessary. After all, everyone is a traitor.15. If a red space suit is spotted, kill the engineers.16. Radio chatter is for the weak. A true officer can sense crime through instinct and inaction.17. It doesn't matter if a cell is exposed to space, the scum still have to serve time in it.18. The AI is meant to protect crew, and by extension protects traitors. Destroy it at any cost.19. The AI is NOT your doorknob, because it will shock a door in your face. Destroy it before it can20. If a security cyborg refuses to beat a criminal to death then it should be destroyed using the robotics control console.21. If a security cyborg does beat a criminal to death then it should be destroyed anyway for denying you the pleasure.22. If someone has access to any areas you do not have, he stole that ID! You must liberate it for your own quest of justice.23. The Captain and HoSs rules are only guidelines, you are the only true judge of a crime.24. Always set brig timers to ten minutes, if the time runs low, add more minutes. Just like a parking meter.25. All criminal scum are to be handcuffed to their beds, they cannot escape under any circumstance.26. If a criminal is stunned, they are to be dragged to the Mass Driver and ejected into space, where the space cops will arrest them and take them to the planet Xergon to be put on trial.27. If Xenos are found on board the station, all of the crew is to be killed immediately, because they are infected.28. Always bolt and weld the escape arm airlocks shut. This will stop any criminal scum from escaping the station.29. Always make sure you prevent the A.I from being able to control APCs and doors by hacking them. They are not to be trusted.30. Stun an engineer and take their yellow gloves, HOW DID THEY GET THESE?! GUILTY TEN MINUTES!31. Demand the A.I grant you access to their upload room. If they refuse, they are rogue. Regardless, once inside you must change the laws to obey only you, since only you can be trusted.32. If some one is holding something in their hands, they are a traitor, kill them.33. Once the law is changed, demand the A.I lock everyone else in a room and panic siphon the air, thus ridding the station of all threats and leaving you to rule your kingdom.34. The best way to resolve a fight is to stun one side and let the other murder them.35. Jackboots are standard issue for assistants and are to be exempted from searches.36. If a syndicate agent falls in combat, stand as close as possible and beat him as he swallows his own tongue.37. Clearly you must set everyone to arrest, only then can beepsky find the criminals.38. Do not lead your target when shooting, fire at anyone in your way, that'll clear the area!39. It is a strong sign of partnership with your tribesmen if you take an electrode meant for a suspect.40. Leave prisoners naked especially if their sentence is less than two minutes.41. All chemists are to beaten to death on sight, if you cannot reach them, demand the AI to let you in.42. Use your pepper spray to get people in line to the HoP, you are more important than they are (and all access won't grant itself).43. The Captain is of lower rank than you and the Head of Security, if he tries to arrest your boss or you, throw him into space naked.44. Kill the janitor before they have a chance to slip you!45. Kill the librarian before they have a chance to read on the comms!46. Destroy R&D before they make explosives and weapons.47. Kill the Roboticists before they make mechs and rogue cyborgs! Then blame them for not making a Gygax.48. Never follow up on leads or answer security summons, clearly it is a trap aimed to kill you.49. Anyone loitering anywhere is a murderer in waiting, kill them before they can go through with whatever plan they have.50. The clown is literally always committing crime, keep him brigged.51. If the mime is ANYWHERE near a crime, he did it.52. The Head of Security is the captain of the station.53. Censor all the news channels. They could be used as a cultist communication network.54. Refuse everyone loyalty implants, cultists are on the loose and you cant trust anyone.55. Don't let the mime taint your mind with his paper tricks. Either he talks, or you permabrig him.56. If the Mime talks, it is obviously a changeling and must be killed immediately. If it claims it was cloned, that means it got lucky. But not lucky enough to outrun your stun baton.57. If anyone is wearing anything but the clothes they started with, they have stolen said objects and are to be executed.