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How to be a Doctor and Not Kill Your Patient

Written By: Gregory House

Non-Fiction

You are the Medical Doctor. You are at once essential and useless. With the advent of "perfect" cloning, saving lives is no longer as all important as it used to be. But don't despair! You can still help people! Mostly. You spawn with a First-Aid Kit and in Medbay where there are spares along with more specialized kits. There're also two syringe guns if you can get to one of them fast enough. Ammunition in the form of large amount of chemical medication can be found in the nearby vending machine pharmacy, but it's got nothing on what chemists can make.When you are a Medical Doctor, your job is to heal people, save them from the brink of death, and dump those that do die into Genetics for cloning. You can diagnose injuries and diseases with the help of a health analyzer, conveniently located in all medical kits, or even your PDA, but then again so can everyone else. And they will. No one waits for the medic to help, or often even for a medic to open the doors. You may have to take drastic measures to get people to stop doing your job for you.Whether it's from fists, bullets, lasers, or a kitchen knife, it's classified as Brute Damage. Brute Damage is inevitably the most common form of damage, and is easily treated. Apply bruise packs conservatively until they are fine and dandy.The second type of damage is Burn Damage. This is caused by fire and blisteringly high (or low) temperatures. If it's minor burns, apply A LITTLE ointment or force feed them a kelotane pill.Burn Damage appears as grey streaks on a person's body, so apply the ointment in those locations (usually the chest area).Toxin Damage is the third kind of damage, and is often caused by rogue doctors.Be it from a the aptly named Toxin bottle, sleep toxins, or Radiation, Toxin Damage has no visible form, so can only be recognised via analyzing. Inject with Antitox, or feed them Antitox pills. Either way, they'll be right as meteor rain.The last kind of Damage often occurs when a patient is in critical health, and is usually accompanied by a another type of damage. Suffocation can be cured using Dexalin or Dexalin Plus, a Sleeper, or plain fresh air. If the patient is in critical condition, then heal the other damage, and the suffocation should recover naturally.Inaprovaline halts Suffocation damage when in Critical, but the patient can still die from progressing beatings, burns or toxins.The main reason you'll come in this room is to grab one of the health scanners on the top-right table. These fashionable eyewear pieces let you see people's healthbars over their head. Not only is this useful for finding critical patients quickly in a crowd, but the red cross next to their healthbar will change to a sickly green face if they're infected with a virus, or a purple xenomorph if they're infected with an alien larva. Chemists and Geneticists will sometimes want these, too, for whatever reason.You will occasionally come in here to debrain changeling victims, repair eye damage caused by screwdriver-wielding assistants or flash-happy shitcurity. You can also forcibly sedate someone, cut out their appendix and force-feed it to them as they wake up groggy with a mixture of confusion and numb, ambiguous horror and revulsion. Outside of this, though, it's mostly unused.Setting up Cryogenics is easy and simple. Idiot-proof, even, but many forget to do it until it's too late.Firstly, ensure the O2 canisters are connected to the ports. There's a wrench nearby to do this. Secondly, fill the tubes with Cryoxadone - beakers should be on the table. Then turn it on, and reduce temperatures until it's at least below 200 for maximum effect.Before placing someone in cryo, be sure to remove any insulated bodywear such as RIG suits, fire suits and bomb suits. People that have received cold resistance superpowers from the Geneticist can't be chilled in cryo and will have to be treated with alternative methods.If the Patient is in critical condition, especially when the health is negative, you have to work fast. Administer inaprovaline mercilessly, whilst you attempt to drag them around. If Cryo isn't set up, throw them in a sleeper, fill them with rejuvenators, and set up Cryo. If Cryo is set up, strip the patient inside the Cryo room (to prevent people from nabbing their stuff), and stuff them in a tube. Wait a while. Click on the tube to analyze their health, and if they are still in critical condition, leave them to cool off a bit longer. If not, heal them normally, accept their kudos (or sarcastically do so if they offer none) and then send them on their way.Medibots are the bane of any Doctor - their very existence is to replace you!Not to worry! You can simply do your job by managing the Medibot. Using your ID, you can alter his settings, and fill him with a beaker of delicious Tricordrazine or Alkysine, and let him inject away!Concurrently, you can fill him with a beaker of Polytrinic Acid, or even Emag him. Once Emagged, the delightful little medibot buzzes around injecting everyone and everything with not-so-helpful chemicals - like Beepsky without the I AM THE LAW.How to defeat the psychological urge to murder those disrespectful bastards!