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A Chaplain's Guide to Unitology
Death in Unitology
The Death Ritual is the most important part of Unitology practice. Death is the most important step for Unitologists, and Unitologists are encouraged to celebrate the death of loved ones and hope to join them, rather than mourn them. Unitologists refuse to allow their member's bodies to be spaced, cremated, or gibbed and eaten. The reason for this is the belief that a human body must be untouched after death, as it is the vessel for the member's convergence. Convergence being the belief that upon death, if the human body has been kept intact and the Unitologist has lived an unselfish life, that all the bodies will one day be reborn with ascended spiritual and physical prowess, and will live in unity with his or her other members as a single community. It is heavily encouraged by members that they keep their bodies in the best shape possible upon death. Teachings to embrace death are important to any Unitologist's Church.
New Members of Your Church!
Perhaps there is some assistants wanting to join you in spreading the glorious word of Altman. Well that's all fine and good but first they must go through the proper channels. First is the initiation ceremony for new Unitologists. They may be weary as it is at times painful and disorienting. To keep the clown, janitors, or other chucklefucks from learning the true process of the ceremony, it has been removed from this book, however you should already be well versed as you are the Unitologist Chaplin (Right?). After the initial ceremony is the Indoctrination. Be sure to know which individuals joining are strong-willed and critical-minded beforehand as they might need a longer Indoctrination ceremony then others. Once they have joined the Church, congratulate them on joining the hierarchy and try and keep in mind who is where in the ranking system. If a member works hard with prayer (communal or otherwise), meditation, or a contribution to the Church of some kind, consider promoting them to one of the ranks above that of the average follower. Lastly, if a member goes against the Church or shames it in some way, consider having them recite one of our montras or verses or even reading (or re-reading) the Bibliography of the Church of Unitology.
No one Joining the Church? Prayers not being answered?
Some shifts will sadly turn out this way but fret not! There's lots of work you can do to improve the church. A good start would be to light candles, draw runes, and have a stock of Unitology books on hand. If no one comes to the church, preach the holy word of Altman! Hand out books and spread the holy word of the Marker! Make the Church your own. You're the chaplain, you're in charge. Perhaps if you play your cards just right convergence will come sooner than you expect.
Final Notes
Perhaps you've heard some of the lies being spread from hatred-ridden and general non-believers about Unitology. Keep in mind that the Church has no suppressed history of any kind (Altman was proof of this), Necromorphs aren't a thing, and lastly, UNITOLOGIST AREN'T CRAZY! I keep telling people this but some just won't take my word for it. Have faith in convergence. If you see a marker, HOLY SHIT STOP READING AND BRING IT TO THE CHURCH. No scientists can study it unless they are full Unitologist members. If it is being held by a faction other than the church it is your duty as a Unitologist to get it to its rightful place. At the start of your shift it's also a good idea to notify the kitchen and medical of proper body storage (just to remind them). Finally, here's a list of the most famous Unitology Mantras and Verses as well as the list of the Bibliography of the Church of Unitology.
A Chaplains Guide to Unitology
Written By: Annalee Call
Religion
Death in Unitology
The Death Ritual is the most important part of Unitology practice. Death is the most important step for Unitologists, and Unitologists are encouraged to celebrate the death of loved ones and hope to join them, rather than mourn them. Unitologists refuse to allow their member's bodies to be spaced, cremated, or gibbed and eaten. The reason for this is the belief that a human body must be untouched after death, as it is the vessel for the member's convergence. Convergence being the belief that upon death, if the human body has been kept intact and the Unitologist has lived an unselfish life, that all the bodies will one day be reborn with ascended spiritual and physical prowess, and will live in unity with his or her other members as a single community. It is heavily encouraged by members that they keep their bodies in the best shape possible upon death. Teachings to embrace death are important to any Unitologist's Church.
Perhaps there is some assistants wanting to join you in spreading the glorious word of Altman. Well that's all fine and good but first they must go through the proper channels. First is the initiation ceremony for new Unitologists. They may be weary as it is at times painful and disorienting. To keep the clown, janitors, or other chucklefucks from learning the true process of the ceremony, it has been removed from this book, however you should already be well versed as you are the Unitologist Chaplin (Right?). After the initial ceremony is the Indoctrination. Be sure to know which individuals joining are strong-willed and critical-minded beforehand as they might need a longer Indoctrination ceremony then others. Once they have joined the Church, congratulate them on joining the hierarchy and try and keep in mind who is where in the ranking system. If a member works hard with prayer (communal or otherwise), meditation, or a contribution to the Church of some kind, consider promoting them to one of the ranks above that of the average follower. Lastly, if a member goes against the Church or shames it in some way, consider having them recite one of our montras or verses or even reading (or re-reading) the Bibliography of the Church of Unitology.
Some shifts will sadly turn out this way but fret not! There's lots of work you can do to improve the church. A good start would be to light candles, draw runes, and have a stock of Unitology books on hand. If no one comes to the church, preach the holy word of Altman! Hand out books and spread the holy word of the Marker! Make the Church your own. You're the chaplain, you're in charge. Perhaps if you play your cards just right convergence will come sooner than you expect.
Perhaps you've heard some of the lies being spread from hatred-ridden and general non-believers about Unitology. Keep in mind that the Church has no suppressed history of any kind (Altman was proof of this), Necromorphs aren't a thing, and lastly, UNITOLOGIST AREN'T CRAZY! I keep telling people this but some just won't take my word for it. Have faith in convergence. If you see a marker, HOLY SHIT STOP READING AND BRING IT TO THE CHURCH. No scientists can study it unless they are full Unitologist members. If it is being held by a faction other than the church it is your duty as a Unitologist to get it to its rightful place. At the start of your shift it's also a good idea to notify the kitchen and medical of proper body storage (just to remind them). Finally, here's a list of the most famous Unitology Mantras and Verses as well as the list of the Bibliography of the Church of Unitology.
- "Altman be Praised."
- "Praise the Great Marker."
- "Death is only the Beginning."
- "Keep us whole. Unity is Forever."
- There is no Death, Only Rebirth."
- Give unto the Church and the Church will give unto you."
- "Embrace the Evolution."
- "Take Us. We are Ready."
- "The Marker is life everlasting for all of its children."
- "Praise Altman, chosen of the Marker, architect of the Church."
- "To join is to survive."
- Holy creatures, transform me into your servant, show me the path to enlightenment, as you alter my flesh and free my soul."
- "One mind, One Soul, One Flesh."
- "One People, One Mind, One Purpose."
- "Unity after death unity forever."
- "One mind, one body."
- Teachings of Unitology, attributed to Michael Altman
- Tome of Unitology
- Death is Only the Beginning
- Eternal Life
- Hymn Book