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The Complete Guide to Arcades
Grab a pack of cigarettes, earmuffs, Cheese Honkers and Space Wind because it's going to be a long night.
Space Villain 200
Destroy Farmers, Grifers, ERPers, Cuban Peteoids, Professors, Jeff, Slimes, Crushulon, Sorcerers, Lizard Men, Melonoids, Bloopers, Ectroplasm, Dukes, Unicorns, Dread lords, Uhangoid, and all sorts of combinations by mashing buttons over and over.
Whatever you happen to be up against, you have a major advantage here and a lot of prizes to win. The Space Villain has a max damage of 6, and a max steal of 3. Try not to stay below these values or you could be killed in one hit! (or not). A good strategy is to recharge your magic until you have fifteen health remaining, then switch to healing until you have fifteen magic remaining. Repeat this until you have around forty-five heath (same as the boss wow!) and around twenty-five magic. Then spam attack until you either need to heal or the space villain is dead. Going over fifty magic or sixty health is unnecessary. Once you win you get your prize. There are a number or prizes which are listed below.
It should be noted that there have been some Space Villain 200 arcade machines have been known to malfunction. This malfunction always turns the machine into Outbomb Cuban Pete, which is much harder than the standard game. If the game is won, two special prizes are awarded that are not even on the prize list! If failed, the player suffers the ultimate cost. What causes this to happen is unknown, but it is extremely rare. If you need a reason to play Orion Trail, at least that game has zero risk of dying.
The Orion Trail
Learn and experience the story of how our ancestors traveled to Orion and fail like your ancestors didn't! Or just ignore it and keep pressing buttons until you win.
At first glance, this is the more difficult of the two. Constant bullshit and failure from random events seem to plague this game like no other. Luckily with a few pointers you can start winning like a space pro.
There are nine total locations on the Orion Trail. They are as follows:
Each location comes with a lovely brief description, The Black Hole also comes with a hazard. Jumping from one location to the next uses up five fuel and two food per person. In between each location is the possibility of a random event. There are six random event types which are as follows:Raiders: Maybe lose something, maybe nothing Deadly Illness: This is actually good as you lose a crew member and don't have to feed their sorry ass Collisions: The worst random event. Not only take food and fuel but a ship part too (yes use the ship part if you have one) Interstellar Flux: Never slow down. It wastes food where you could have the possibility of just moving forward without losing anything. Try and save engineering parts for this Ship system malfunction: Sound familiar? Use a part if you got one. Otherwise it might just go to waste Breakdown: Second worst event, uses an engine part that could be used for failing an Interstellar Flux
The Black Hole
Likely the biggest pain in your ass. Get ready to send countless lives into this thing just like real life space history. Trying to just head through The Black Hole is a possible instant game over. The reward is you might fail otherwise and it could be your only hope. Going around The Black Hole takes fifteen fuel instead of your usual five (meaning you need at least twenty to win, assuming there won't be a random event between you and Orion). Going around also takes six food per person (meaning you need at least thirty two food (assuming everyone's alive), assuming theres no random event between you and Orion). Don't just randomly click one option, weigh your options given your fuel, food, and number of crew members.
Get used to seeing those three failure outcomes because it's going to happen a lot. That being said, its much faster to win prizes with The Orion Trail than Space Villain 200 if you know what you're doing and pay attention.
Badass Challenges: Make it to Orion with only YOU remaining, Make it to Orion with five fuel left, Defeat three Raiders in one play while surviving to Orion, Use engine parts on an Interstellar Flux after The Black Hole, Don't use any parts and make it to Orion, and Any combination of challenges.
Prizes!
That's why you're here right? I mean you do have a job to do and all…
Here's the average and most common prizes you can win at the arcade:Antag Token- Valid or Salid? Big Red Button Blink Toy- They still make these? Boxed Space Suit and Helmet Cap Gun Deck of Cards- Shit another one? Foam Armblade- Time to go attack someone! Foam Force Crossbow- Impress everyone who's using Foam Force Guns with your individuality Gravitational Singularity- SINGULO IS LOOSE! Griffin Action Figure- You will never catch me! Mini-Meteor- Throw it at people's heads and give them headaches! Nuclear Fission Explosive- Get a bunch and use them all at once! Owl Action Figure- Hoot! Hoot! Snap Pop Box- Admittedly not as cool as toy grenades but at least you get a whole box! Tactical Turtleneck- Hey, you GOTTA look cool around a place like this Toy AI- This gives me a great idea for some AI laws! Toy Sword- Now we're talking! Just gotta get another one and put em together!
THE REAL CHALLENGE
This is why we play these games.
You must have seen this one coming. Collect all twelve of the mech figurines. Make sure no one steals any as you do so. Need a checklist?
Did you throw your life away and go beyond the impossible? Tell the captain, you deserve a fucking metal soldier. Pray to the almighty that these twelve figurines are your sacrifice to them for great power. Play with them? No fuck that.
So you've been struggling with the challenge? Maybe just want to get that toy sword right away and be done with all the hassle? Decided to cheat the arcade like the classic failure you are? Well here's a solution for you; simply use an EMP on an arcade and get some prizes out instantly!
The Complete Guide to Arcades
Written By: Annalee Call
Reference
Grab a pack of cigarettes, earmuffs, Cheese Honkers and Space Wind because it's going to be a long night.
Destroy Farmers, Grifers, ERPers, Cuban Peteoids, Professors, Jeff, Slimes, Crushulon, Sorcerers, Lizard Men, Melonoids, Bloopers, Ectroplasm, Dukes, Unicorns, Dread lords, Uhangoid, and all sorts of combinations by mashing buttons over and over.
Whatever you happen to be up against, you have a major advantage here and a lot of prizes to win. The Space Villain has a max damage of 6, and a max steal of 3. Try not to stay below these values or you could be killed in one hit! (or not). A good strategy is to recharge your magic until you have fifteen health remaining, then switch to healing until you have fifteen magic remaining. Repeat this until you have around forty-five heath (same as the boss wow!) and around twenty-five magic. Then spam attack until you either need to heal or the space villain is dead. Going over fifty magic or sixty health is unnecessary. Once you win you get your prize. There are a number or prizes which are listed below.
It should be noted that there have been some Space Villain 200 arcade machines have been known to malfunction. This malfunction always turns the machine into Outbomb Cuban Pete, which is much harder than the standard game. If the game is won, two special prizes are awarded that are not even on the prize list! If failed, the player suffers the ultimate cost. What causes this to happen is unknown, but it is extremely rare. If you need a reason to play Orion Trail, at least that game has zero risk of dying.
Learn and experience the story of how our ancestors traveled to Orion and fail like your ancestors didn't! Or just ignore it and keep pressing buttons until you win.
At first glance, this is the more difficult of the two. Constant bullshit and failure from random events seem to plague this game like no other. Luckily with a few pointers you can start winning like a space pro.
There are nine total locations on the Orion Trail. They are as follows:
- Pluto: Starting location
- Sol Asteroid Belt
- Proxima Centauri
- Dead Space
- Rigel Prime
- Tau Ceti Beta
- Black Hole (see below)
- Space Outpost Beta-9
- Orion!
Each location comes with a lovely brief description, The Black Hole also comes with a hazard. Jumping from one location to the next uses up five fuel and two food per person. In between each location is the possibility of a random event. There are six random event types which are as follows:
The Black Hole
Likely the biggest pain in your ass. Get ready to send countless lives into this thing just like real life space history. Trying to just head through The Black Hole is a possible instant game over. The reward is you might fail otherwise and it could be your only hope. Going around The Black Hole takes fifteen fuel instead of your usual five (meaning you need at least twenty to win, assuming there won't be a random event between you and Orion). Going around also takes six food per person (meaning you need at least thirty two food (assuming everyone's alive), assuming theres no random event between you and Orion). Don't just randomly click one option, weigh your options given your fuel, food, and number of crew members.
Get used to seeing those three failure outcomes because it's going to happen a lot. That being said, its much faster to win prizes with The Orion Trail than Space Villain 200 if you know what you're doing and pay attention.
Badass Challenges: Make it to Orion with only YOU remaining, Make it to Orion with five fuel left, Defeat three Raiders in one play while surviving to Orion, Use engine parts on an Interstellar Flux after The Black Hole, Don't use any parts and make it to Orion, and Any combination of challenges.
That's why you're here right? I mean you do have a job to do and all…
Here's the average and most common prizes you can win at the arcade:
This is why we play these games.
You must have seen this one coming. Collect all twelve of the mech figurines. Make sure no one steals any as you do so. Need a checklist?
- Ripley - 1
- Firefighting Ripley - 2
- Deathsquad Ripley - 3
- Gygax - 4
- Durand - 5
- H.O.N.K. - 6
- Marauder - 7
- Seraph - 8
- Mauler - 9
- Odysseus - 10
- Phazon - 11
- Reticence - 12
Did you throw your life away and go beyond the impossible? Tell the captain, you deserve a fucking metal soldier. Pray to the almighty that these twelve figurines are your sacrifice to them for great power. Play with them? No fuck that.
So you've been struggling with the challenge? Maybe just want to get that toy sword right away and be done with all the hassle? Decided to cheat the arcade like the classic failure you are? Well here's a solution for you; simply use an EMP on an arcade and get some prizes out instantly!