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The Bestest guide to fight Blob
Written By: Evan White
Reference
So, you have located a Blob and you want to fight it? With this simple guide you will be the best, the awesomest and the robustest Blob killer on your station so go on and become pro.
[DISCLAMER]
ATTENTION!!! This piece of satire literature are NOT to be taken as precise guide to fight the blob. Actually you should do EXACTLY the OPPOSITE to defeat a Blob.
[/DISCLAMER]
Here is a simple 'what to do' list for a pro blob fighter:
1. If you are the first one to locate blob DONT YOU EVER tell others where it is located. You can tell them that there is blob but dont tell them where, cause you want all the glory of killing it for yourself.
2. Dont let your profession distract you. YOU and only you should go kill that blob. If you are for example doctor ignore all those injured and deceased, thats not your job to help them, cause you are the blob fighter! Or a cargo man should always go to the blob insted of ordering some shitty guns or creating welders on autolate.
3. But if you dont feel like fighting the blob face to face you can just run around people telling them how useless they are. You are defenitelly better them others, so dont forget to collect every piece of blob fighting equipment to the safety of your backpack. And dont you let those useless idiots touch it or use it to fight blob!
4. 'What intent should I use?' you may ask. I say you should NEVER be on 'help' intent. Do you think that you can hug blob to death or something like that?
5. Speaking of fighting blob you should collect all the welders cause YOU KNOW what to do with them! After that take a welder tank and bring it as closer to blob as possible, before blowing it up ensure that there are some crewmembers nearby to witness your courage and dedication (and burn to death cause they are useless).
6. Fires are Super Effective against blob! Plasma fires and flamethrowers are your best friends. It doesnt matter that you render all atmosphere in the room uninhabbitable, killing blob is more important!
7. Hull breaches also work against blob. It is a well known fact that without air blob cant expand! Dont mind your friends dying to the coldness of space.
8. Speaking of laser guns you must collect as many as possible. And if your gun doesnt shoot anymore throw it at blob, at least it will deal some more damage.
9. Emmiters! Those enginerds will try to set them up but you know beter what to do with them! Try to wrench them as closely as possible to the blob and it will be so scared that it will expand somewhere else.
10. So you got some flashbangs? Use them right away! Dont try to warn anyone in the vicinity cause blob can hear you and defend himself against your grenades.
11. If you didnt find any guns or other tools you can go to science and beg guys there for euipment, it doesnt matter if you are the scientist yourself. Cause thats THEIR job to do science and your job is to fight blob, and mess with them for guns.
12. Oh and if you are playing security you should not abandon your duties completely! If anyone has YOUR blob fighting equipment that is illegal and you should arrest them and put into brig.
13. And if the blob is winning and your crew could use some morale boost you should scream over the comms that all is lost and we should abandon the station or nuke it. This surely will cheer them up.
With this usefull tips you will most certainly become the Ultimate Pro Blob Fighter of the Universe! Good luck!
[DISCLAMER]
ATTENTION!!! This piece of satire literature are NOT to be taken as precise guide to fight the blob. Actually you should do EXACTLY the OPPOSITE to defeat a Blob.
[/DISCLAMER]
Here is a simple 'what to do' list for a pro blob fighter:
1. If you are the first one to locate blob DONT YOU EVER tell others where it is located. You can tell them that there is blob but dont tell them where, cause you want all the glory of killing it for yourself.
2. Dont let your profession distract you. YOU and only you should go kill that blob. If you are for example doctor ignore all those injured and deceased, thats not your job to help them, cause you are the blob fighter! Or a cargo man should always go to the blob insted of ordering some shitty guns or creating welders on autolate.
3. But if you dont feel like fighting the blob face to face you can just run around people telling them how useless they are. You are defenitelly better them others, so dont forget to collect every piece of blob fighting equipment to the safety of your backpack. And dont you let those useless idiots touch it or use it to fight blob!
4. 'What intent should I use?' you may ask. I say you should NEVER be on 'help' intent. Do you think that you can hug blob to death or something like that?
5. Speaking of fighting blob you should collect all the welders cause YOU KNOW what to do with them! After that take a welder tank and bring it as closer to blob as possible, before blowing it up ensure that there are some crewmembers nearby to witness your courage and dedication (and burn to death cause they are useless).
6. Fires are Super Effective against blob! Plasma fires and flamethrowers are your best friends. It doesnt matter that you render all atmosphere in the room uninhabbitable, killing blob is more important!
7. Hull breaches also work against blob. It is a well known fact that without air blob cant expand! Dont mind your friends dying to the coldness of space.
8. Speaking of laser guns you must collect as many as possible. And if your gun doesnt shoot anymore throw it at blob, at least it will deal some more damage.
9. Emmiters! Those enginerds will try to set them up but you know beter what to do with them! Try to wrench them as closely as possible to the blob and it will be so scared that it will expand somewhere else.
10. So you got some flashbangs? Use them right away! Dont try to warn anyone in the vicinity cause blob can hear you and defend himself against your grenades.
11. If you didnt find any guns or other tools you can go to science and beg guys there for euipment, it doesnt matter if you are the scientist yourself. Cause thats THEIR job to do science and your job is to fight blob, and mess with them for guns.
12. Oh and if you are playing security you should not abandon your duties completely! If anyone has YOUR blob fighting equipment that is illegal and you should arrest them and put into brig.
13. And if the blob is winning and your crew could use some morale boost you should scream over the comms that all is lost and we should abandon the station or nuke it. This surely will cheer them up.
With this usefull tips you will most certainly become the Ultimate Pro Blob Fighter of the Universe! Good luck!