Back
Part 1
Written By: R. Schrodinger
Non-Fiction
Hello! How wonderful to meet you! If you are reading this then you, unfortunately, have died. Terribly sorry about that, but if it is any consolation it was likely extraordinarily painful. I am not sure how much comfort that is to you, but there it is.
Fortunately for you, you have picked up book 1 of the 138 part series called "So you are dead. What now?" In it I shall examine your options for this living hell, and what you can do to escape it, and what it means to be a true citizen of the undead.
Part 1: So you are dead, what now?
In short, you must murder the most powerful person around. Much like your Japanese Animes, souls have weird power levels that can be measured and quantified. Honestly, it is a quite troubling system that everyone has, by large, agreed is an awful idea. Upon hearing such information, God was reached for a comment and asked "Well, you daft wankers, reckon you can do better?" To which the whole of humanity said "Yes, ya muggy git." God's reply, in his infinite wisdom, said "Well..... ya can't."
If this seems a rather random tangent, I hope you will keep in mind that it shows just how monumentally petty our universe is, and just how pointless all of reality truly is. Bit of a problem, innit? Universe being made all random and stuff, sort of puts it in perspective about that time you failed to ask out Emily Applebottom to the harvest dance, or whatever you kids do these days. You will see her, by the way. The figurative woman, Emily Applebottom. Yeah, she will haunt you, stalking the halls and crawling upon the corridors like a living chaos, pulsing and writing with undulating anticipation at your hungry need for meaning. Parasitic, really, which most relationships are in the end. Still, you will lust for her, until you gain enough power to slay her, then you won't even want her really.
Yes, you remember that bit about the slaying people? Well, just like your Japanese Animes, you live in a world with no consequences. I mean, there are certain consequences, such as pain, dismemberment, bear mauling, clown juggling, forced acquisition of subprime real estate, and tickling. However, in the grand scheme of things such as you already being dead, there isn't much point in them killing you, is there? I mean, you're already bloody dead, and after you "die" again in this purgatory, you just lose points, right? These points pretty much guarantee your success when you come back, or "re-roll" as certain authors put it.
The basics of it are, after you die, based on what you did in life, you may very well get a better life. Sort of like them Asian lots think, only their idea of deeds are all sorts of messed up. The way you get points is by murdering people. The more you kill, the better you get. It's nothing like Harry Potter, terrible series never look it up. The best killers get to become lizard people, and control all major powers in the universe. Don't believe me? Just wait till Part Two where I explain the various tiers, and fantastical creatures that inhabit this world that may as well be hell. And remember, you can't spell Murder without Life if you are particularly rubbish at spelling. Which, if your death was any indication, you really, really were.